You’re Not Really In The Band, Please Shut Up

Is it me or is it never quite the same when a band you loved replaces their singer for some random jackass that ruins every good memory you’ve ever had about them? There are so many examples of this that it makes me want to bludgeon the new “singers” to death with a bricked PSP. The most recent example that I’ve noticed is Journey. I thought they were dead and forgotten, turns out I was wrong. Musicians need to learn that the singer is what makes the band and that if you want to keep playing without them you should change the name. That way I don’t get my hopes up when I hear SOiL has just released an album and my I’m verbally raped by their new singer.

Dear Ryan McCombs,
I would sincerely enjoy your death. I would celebrate it like a holiday and create a pyre out of your latest releases with Drowning Pool who have always sucked and always will. “Bodies” was never that impressive, counting and power chords: big fucking deal. Bad Relegion’s “Scrutiny at least goes to eight, you lazy pricks. Stop being an idiot and return to SOiL, possibly have a concert in my honor for minimizing your overall failures as a human being. It’s not a big deal, I also accept cake.

Just think of how perfect the world would be if everyone was intelligent enough to listen to me.

The Incomplete List of Things That Annoy Me

This is far from anywhere near the amount of things that annoy me – I’m just going to add to it every once in awhile.

1. People that play xbox live and consider themselves gamers
2. People that shop at hot topic and think that it makes them unique
3. Anyone who thinks they’re the greatest thing ever without any reason to think that way (An example of this complex would be the singer from Gallows although his is justified.)
4. Crocs and the endless amount of people that will not shut up about how comfortable they are. They look horrible. Buy new shoes.
5. PETA
6. People that walk around asking for signatures on petitions thinking that they matter, at all
7. People that complain endlessly about their “horrible” life that sounds pretty great.
8. People that don’t wear shirts at club concerts and haven’t heard of deodorant
9. World of Warcraft
10. World of Warcraft players – find a better game
11. Green Day from 2004-present
12. People who constantly talk about metal but can’t name a single band worth listening to
13. People who try to be “hardercore than thou” at shows (If you get the reference, please award yourself twenty points. Just keep in mind that the points are largely fictitious and don’t even make sense to me.)
14. The male ego
15. Corporate rock
16. Anyone that assesses meaning from any metal song not by Chimaira or Fear Factory
17. The majority of people that go to Warped Tour
18. Melodrama
19. The saying “I hate your life” or any of its equally annoying counterparts
20. Pauly Shore
21. Any movie with “Movie” in the title except for Scary Movie, Scary Movie 2 or My Big Fat Independent Movie
22. People that think Indie is a style of music and not a form of production
23 Happy endings, I mean in movies. (I enjoy the massage technique. Just kidding. Don’t kill me *girlfriend’s name omitted*.)
24. Dustin Minnich
25. Video games that I still own on the original Nintendo being re-released over, and over, again. (Final Fantasy I’m mainly talking about you.)
26. Anime that isn’t Trigun, Outlaw Star, a part of the Tenchi series, S-Cry-Ed, a part of the Dragon Ball epic (I say epic because 600+ episodes cannot be considered a series.) or Yu Yu Hakusho
27. People that think I care about how many drugs they pretend to have done – It’s obvious that it’s a lie; please shut your mouth.
28. People that get off on smoking weed but don’t smoke enough to get high.
29. Anyone who considers weed to be a drug. It’s not. It’s barely even an enjoyable experience. “Grow up and do coke like an adult.”
30. Racism
31. Political debates that “say nothing without missing a word”
32. Anyone who says that I’m going to hell, and means it.
33. Cover bands that aren’t Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
34. Extreme advertising
35. Commercials that feel more like a mystery than an attempt to make me purchase shoddy merchandise – “Three frogs are on a log. One goes home and kills himself. Buy a bike!”
36. Any person that thinks a dog needs to wear clothes
37. Environmentalists that miss the point
38. Invasions of my privacy
39. The Matrix sequals
40. Comedy shows with laugh tracks to jokes that aren’t even remotely humorous
41. Getting hit on by girls half my age – I have a beard, you’re like 10. (Not to mention I have a girlfriend that you’ll never even come close to.)
42. Local bands without talent
43. The 23 Enigma
44. Men preoccupied with getting laid
45. Feminists – I’m all for equal rights and I do agree that we do pretty much live in a patriarchal society but I’m not seeing how turning it into a matriarchal society helps at all.
46. People that keep making the same mistake over, and over again
47. The American Dream
48. Celebrity obsessions
49. Professional sports that aren’t hockey or football
50. Germaphobes
51. People who think the world is going to end in 2012
52. People who text others while having a conversation with me
53. Hearing about 4chan from people that thinks it’s a “great place to find funny pictures”
54. Running into people from my class in general
55. When I can’t edit drop rates in rpgs
56. Blue NyQuil
57. When Medco decides I’m not cool enough to recieve my medications
58. When things that were never actually funny become popular
59. Dane Cook and that stupid guy with the puppets
60. When stores try to capitalize on my childhood by offering shirts of cartoon characters and/or candy that I loved when I was five
61. People that sparkle
62. SOiL’s singer joining Drowning Pool
63. The fact that I haven’t seen Faith No More since they got back together
64. When guitar strings are mislabeled and break into my hand at a 90 degree angle
65. People who have no redeeming qualities but treat their partner like shit
66. Final Fantasy XI for two reasons: a) the game was terrible b) Chrono Break may never come out due to the amount of people it takes to update
67. Team Typhoon from the cfw psp scene, just release your exploit ffs. We all get it, you’re super cool, now just release your (probably) terrible HEN so retarded people can finally enjoy homebrews
68. Almost everyone on qj.net/psp
69. Whoever just laughed that this is number sixty-nine
70. Anyone who refuses to admit that punk is dead
71. The Dead Kennedys without Jello Biafra
72. The state of Ohio
73. Incomplete releases of rom hacks
74. Energy drinks that aren’t Nos
75. The fact that Diablo III may as well be an April Fool’s joke
76. The reactions to Paranormal Activity, especially after you imdb the movie
77. Mushrooms that are not magical and do not give an extra life or increase your size
78. The majority of what’s on the radio
79. The Dark Side of the Moon and every stoner that won’t shut up about it
80. That hard drives never hold as much as they suggest they will
81. That people think that every song is the same exact size and will ask how many songs your mp3 player can hold instead of what size it is
82. Everything that Dell has ever touched, been in the same room as or even thought about doing
83. KFC’s double down (it was one of the biggest disappointments of my life)
84. When someone from Comcast tries to kill my network and computers with their “knowledge of the field” – “See how the a for Avast isn’t moving, it means it’s not thinking because you have a virus. You need to get a new router too, that one’s totally shot.” It’s funny how changing a couple settings in 192.168.1.1 can make someone look like a complete idiot.
85. People that take online games way to seriously. – “This run should only take two minutes, now it’s going to take five, I could do this three times in the time that it’s going to take us now because you smashed that box, you idiot.” For some reason he stopped responding after I explained how his death would benefit the species tremendously.
86. Having to either shave or look like the description of “Razor Burn”
87. Chillingworth never getting the respect he deserves for killing Reverend Dimmesdale in The Scarlet Letter
88. That Vault is nowhere near as good as Surge was
89. Sum 41 pretending that they’re still worth listening to without Dave Brownsound

I’m Going to Leave a Carbon Footprint On Your Fucking Skull

I am so sick and so very tired of hearing about carbon footprints and how I need to be “ecologically responsible” from the kind of people that still think that their sarcasm actually affects people in a way that isn’t laughter. Global Warming is a joke when you actually decide to look at the numbers that Al Gore was nice enough to omit from his award winning film. I have one word, and one word only: cows. If you don’t get it, then we can just move on because you’re not going to get it.

The thought alone of carbon footprints is just so ludicrous, how would paying someone to reforest Kenya fix the carbon footprint that you so elegantly left?  It’s formed in the sky, in defiance of Odin; and everyone knows that Odin hates forests, especially when they need to be reforested. So now Odin is going to get all of his other deity friends together and they’re going to perform the ritual that increases global temperature. Thanks a lot, asshole.

But, wait a minute, I’ve just thought of something: what if whatever amount of carbon we release into the atmosphere held next to no impact on the global climate and we were going through some sort of natural climate shift (Like the ones that the Earth has experienced many times before, like the mini ice age a little over a hundred years ago), boy would your face be red for spending money on an imaginary footprint. I guess it’s not much worse than donating in a church, so you won’t go to hell, you’ll just look like an idiot. That’s not so bad though, every other person there looks like an idiot for believing in an invisible man in the sky, so you’re not very far off from each other; hell, you might even make friends!

I really have no problem with making the world a cleaner and overall better place, in fact I wish that everyone had some sort of initiative towards it and not just because they’re afraid of a terribly written sci-fi movie becoming reality. Trust me, we’re going to be fine, we just need to get over the end of the world complex that seems to spawn every decade or so and the unwarranted self-importance that  believers of “green” get from eating inferior and more expensive produce. If we can accomplish that, we’ll have no problem making improvements with the environment.

I Really Do Hate When People Sparkle

I can recall a time when the only way I’d hear “twilight” would be prior to the word “zone”, but these days it’s the only word falling off the tongues of sexually repressed women with an alacrity that is both alarming and sad. I can already tell, by the end of that sentence, you either want to strangle or high five me, depending on your gender but I do intend to go much deeper into the barren fissure of writing that is the beloved pornographic vampire series.

You’re probably yelling “Twilight isn’t pornography!” about now, forgetting entirely the difference in standards between males and females. Men are more attracted to the actual sex while women tend to be more drawn to the romantic elements and creating ideals that will never actually be fulfilled. This is why Twilight is pornography; you didn’t read it for the wooden unrealistic characters, the god-awful writing or the destruction of everything occult, you read it because you wanted to get off.

Nothing saddens me greater than walking into a book store and seeing aisles upon aisles of romance novels and a tiny section, tucked away in the back, of actual literature, then hearing about how “great” a book of no actual merit or substance is. I understand that it’s difficult to touch the pens of Huxley, Pope and Dickens, I understand it a lot better than most, but that doesn’t excuse the drivel that is filling the shelves. Twilight is a prime example of this, it’s only real appeal comes from the characters Bella; who conveniently has no real personality traits so the reader, who is obviously female, can replace her with themselves and Edward; a superficially flawless and impossibility of a guy which kind of makes me laugh because, for the most part, I am the real life Edward which is difficult to see unless you’ve ever actually been with me when I’m not being a pompous asshole or pretending that I’m incredibly wealthy. I do tend to have a spine and a tad bit more substance than the character that erupted from a wet dream of the Mormon author though.